her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
