Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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