ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
