chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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