actually, I'm a sock model
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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