The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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