One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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