You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
she peed on how many people?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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