I threw up into my coffee this morning.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
