pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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