How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
