We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
