And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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