When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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