i will never coherently bang her
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
