Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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