hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
