we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
