plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
