I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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