mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
