I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The air was thick with penises
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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