I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
