U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
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and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
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She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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