At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
