: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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