I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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