I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
