Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
