I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
What a dumb baby whore.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
