i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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