So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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