question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
