Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
