i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
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I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
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You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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