glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
