I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
