but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
