i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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