you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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