He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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