god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Randomize
