I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
