Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
