i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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