I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
