3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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