We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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