Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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