He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
