I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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