I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
