yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
