I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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