so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
That accounts for only three of the penises
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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