dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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