Umm I'm too high to move.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Randomize
